Waiting period!

When Tuesday came I didn't feel like doing anything! We went out to Wal-Mart and got a couple of things and I had a break down and got into an argument with Dustin. And I ended up leaving
Dustin and the boys at my dad’s and went to my mom’s to vent!

So my mom and I had an awesome visit! We don't get to talk a lot in person (plus I don't like talking on the phone)! We talked about how men are so different then women and it comes to stuff like this! We also talked about life! She also gave me some money to go to dinner with!

Wednesday can and we went to Lagoon for Hunter's 5th Birthday! And meet up with my sister in law. We had fun but I took it easy and wasn't able to go swimming. So I just walked around in the walk and just focused on the boys having fun! After Lagoon we went to my sister in laws house and had another birthday party for Hunter since they weren't able to go to the first one! Hunter had a lot of fun with his cousins and his aunt made an awesome ice cream cake! From both birthday parties he got mostly batman stuff (which is what he wanted)!

Thursday we headed back to SLC and we were planning on going to the temple but I started having contractions and bleeding heavier! I call my doctor's nurse she told me there is nothing they can do clinical just wait it out and save the tissue to confirm the miscarriage! We end up just going to the movie and letting my parents would watch the boys!

We were at Jordan Commons just there trying to figure out what we were going to see while I was having contractions! I wasn't sad though; I was just glad that this was finally coming to an end because then we can move on and start trying again! While we were there I thought I may have passed some tissue. I wasn't able to fish it out of the toilet in time before it flushed!

We decided to go see Men in Black III and go to Cafe Rio! A half hour into the movie we decided to so see another movie because it seemed dumb and decided we could see it when it comes to Redbox! We headed back to Jordan Commons and saw Prometheus in 3D! It was very good!

Friday we decided to go to Lagoon again! I had a lot of fun this time! We went swimming and more rides! We ended up staying until about 10pm! They boys fell asleep on the way back to my parent's house.

Saturday morning I started getting thing packed up and put in the car! We took our time getting ready. I was excited that we finally could go home! As we were saying goodbye I felt something drop! So I handed Bentley to Dustin and told him I needed to go the bathroom! When went to the bathroom that is when it happen! I miscarried! I was relieved that it finally happened and that we can finally move on and start trying again! Well as soon as my doctor gives the okay to! I called for Dustin and let him know what happen and I fished the tissue out of the toilet!

As we headed toward my mom’s I called the doctor’s office again and the on call doctor called me back. I told him what had happen and he told me that I probably did miscarry and to call my doctor on Monday to get check out and to when I can start trying again!

I told my mom what had happen and she was sad! I told her that I was okay and that we would just try again! I also told her we (the boys and I) would be back out again. So I could go see the doctor and hopefully change the boys’ doctor’s appointment (again) so I wouldn’t have to come to Salt Lake a third time! She told me she wanted to me to stop by on Tuesday to give me my birthday present!

Then today (Sunday) Dustin got called to be the 2nd counselor of the District Presidency! They had the new District Presidency bare their testimony and also had the wives bare their testimony too! So I went up and bared my testimony and how grateful that I have the gospel and how much it help me through this week! And I explained about I had a miscarriage! I told them how I felt the Lord's love for me! I was crying the whole time and wasn't able to say everything I wanted to say! But I had a few people come up to me and thanked me for my testimony!

I try to find the good in my trails in life! And figure out what the Lord wants me to learn from this! I send my family this email that helps explain the way I feel and how I look at this trial and how I got through it! "I was planning on sending this yesterday on our way home from SLC yesterday but my phone wouldn't let me select more than one email address. So for those who don't know we lost our baby yesterday! I had some complication and was given 50% chance of miscarriage. I had an ultrasound done but the baby was too small to find a heartbeat. So they wanted me to wait 10 day to see if baby would grow and if by then they could see a heartbeat! But deep down I knew it wasn't going to turn out the way we wanted! Actually I've had a feeling for a while that something like this was going to happen! I was trying to come up with a saying of how I was handling it so well even though I knew there was a possibility that I was going to lose the baby! So this is what I came up with, "It’s not that I'm giving up, it’s just that I have complete faith and trust in God that I know he is doing what is best for us and there is no need to worry or be afraid!" This last week I really felt the Lord's love for me and he was with me through the entire process! I honestly felt like he was carrying my burdens for me! One of the many great blessings we get from the Atonement!! I also never let myself think "why me?" Even though I had a perfectly good reason to think it! Because of all the trails we've have, I starting saying to myself "why not me?" We have learned that because of our trials in life that's what makes us become better and stronger people! So by the time I officially lost the baby it felt like more of a relief then anything! Even though I was so thrilled to be pregnant again! I knew we are supposed to have another baby but it might take more time than we thought! The hardest part was the waiting period! Because until then we really couldn't move on and heal from this! Before there was a possibility of miscarriage I was looking online about miscarriage (just in case if it did happen) someone had wrote that even though you are scared that miscarriage is a possibility just be grateful for the days you are pregnant! To help keep your mind off it! So from that day forward I thanked the Lord every day that I got to be pregnant for that day! This trail made me also be grateful for all the little things in life and made me realize how much I love my boys and that I still have them! Sorry this email it kind of long but I wanted you all to know what happen and how I was feeling! I don't want people to feel sad for us! We are okay and the Lord its helping us! It’s something that happens to some of us but it’s what makes us stronger! And we already have peace and comfort! So if you want to pray for us just pray that it will happen again and that it will have a better outcome! But if things go not as planned (again) we will just pick ourselves up and try again! ~With love Toni"

My husband has been awesome though this! I appreciate him so much! And that he is a worthy priesthood holder! He has given me a couple of priesthood blessing! One of them last night when I was so sick! And within minutes I felt better! I'm hoping to see the doctor tomorrow and I'll tell you know how it goes!

What we were hoping wouldn't happen!

When I was getting ready for church I noticed I had some brown discharged! I did have it earlier from the previous week but it had stopped! At that time I wasn’t scared because I found online that as long as it’s not red I’m fine. Unfortunate this time felt different! I had the feeling that was going to miscarry! We went to church. Unfortunately I had a hard time focusing. I was scared and frustrated! While I was there I saw some pink discharge! That just made thing even worst!

Once church was over I came home and had really bad headache. So I decided to take a nap in hopes that my headache would go away! When I woke up and went to the bathroom and notice I started bleeding (spotting). I came downstairs and ask Dustin what I should do! I remembered even though it was a weekend I could still call my doctor's office and they could have the on call doctor call me back!  I called the office number and they told me they would call the on call doctor which happens to be my doctor! I called me back! I told him what was going on! He told me I had 50% that something is wrong and that I might miscarry or 50% that I'm completely fine and nothing is wrong! And he wanted me to call his office at 9:00 am, so I could come in and get an ultrasound done! I also let me know if I have any tissue fall out to save so they can see if I did miscarry! We were already planning to go out to SLC Wednesday-Saturday afternoon cause Dustin took some vacation time! But our original plan was to go to Mesquite where my grandpa lives but we didn't have enough money so we decided to go to SLC instead. Also we also had Lagoon season passes! So decided it would be okay to start our vacation 2 days sooner!

I called my mom and told her what had happen. Also told her that I had feeling that something was going to go wrong and that I had research miscarriages when I was pregnant with Bentley! And that they say you can prevent it and it usually happen because something went wrong with the development of the baby and they body stops the development of the baby! I informed her that if this turns out to be a miscarriage we would just try again! She thought I was awesome and that I handle things so well! I also told her that as long as I know what the worst came happen then I’m fine and can handle anything!

When Monday came we decided to head to SLC an hour before my doctor's office opened! Just so I could get in by the time I got there! When I called they were busy and wanted me to leave a message on my doctor's nurse's voicemail! It took her about an hour to finally call me back! She told me that my doctor wanted me to get an ultrasound done to see how baby was doing! So she schedules an ultrasound to be done at 3pm at LDS Hospital!

It was almost 11am. So to kill time we took the boys to Wendy's for lunch and then took them to the children's room at the Salt Lake Library! They had fun but Hunter kept bugging random kids! lol They told me before I go for my ultrasound to have a full bladder and not to pee after 2pm! But by the time I got to the hospital I thought I was going to pee my pants! lol I just went to the bathroom anyway even though it was after 2pm! lol

After I got registered and checked in I had to pee again! lol When I finally got to go back and get my ultrasound done, the ultrasound tech had a hard time finding the baby because my uterus wasn't positioned right! And she noticed my bladder was very full! We told her that I had just peed right before we check in! She told me I should give tips to the patients who need ultrasounds done about have a full bladder! lol After she had me go the bathroom and have the other tech come and do the ultrasound inside rather than on the outside! When I went to the bathroom something came out! I thought it might be some tissue and they gave me a cup to put it in and give it to the doctor!

The 2nd tech started doing the ultrasound again and said she'll hurry and do what she needs to do and then shows us the baby! But by the way she looked, it didn't seem thing were normal! She ended up not showing us the baby! When she was done she went and talk to the person that reads the ultrasound pictures! We knew something wasn’t right! When she finally came back she told me that my doctor wanted to talk to me before I left the hospital! We couldn't get a hold of him because he was doing a delivery! So I talked to the nurse! She told me that if I was positive about my LMP because the baby was measuring at 5 weeks and the baby was too small to find the heart beat and that the doctor wanted me to repeat the ultrasound in 10 days to see if they baby is growing and hopefully they could see the heart beat!

We left and my mom call and I told her what happen! And that I was on my way to the doctor's office to give them the thing that fell out! The nurse told me that the doctor was going to be out of the office until Thursday and that it won't last that long! She told me if it looks like liver then it’s a blood clot (which it was) or if it looks like hamburger then in it was tissue! Then I asked her straight up if I am really miscarrying (because I was 100% sure on my LMP and that it sounded like the baby had just stopped growing at 5 weeks) she didn't know for sure because there was a change that this can turn around and be a viable pregnancy! But I knew deep down that it wasn't going to turn out the way I wanted! So we just decided to wait it out until I miscarried and then we can move on and try again!

 At that this point I just wanted to go home and hibernate! But we already had plans for Wednesday to go to Lagoon with Dustin's sister and nieces for Hunter's birthday and I didn't want to do that to him!

Great news!!

Memorial weekend (Saturday) I took a pregnancy test! I barely looked at it and saw a negative sign! So I just throw it away and just went on with my day! Once Monday came and I realized I was a day late which wasn't normal! So I had a feeling to look at my pregnancy test that I took on Saturday! It showed a very light line that went down the middle, along with the light that always going across even if you are pregnant or not! So if there are 2 lines, it means you are pregnant! I kind of excited! But the box says don't read after 10 minutes and this was 2 days later! So I text my friend! I asked her when she told her test if she had the same outcome. She called me and told me to take another test! I wanted to but I rather wait until the first pee of the day! Before she called me I showed Dustin the test! He was surprise but I told him that I wanted to take another test to know for sure!

I decided to go and buy another one but was going to wait until the next day to take it! That night I had peed so much during the night I decided to wait one more day! Once Wednesday morning I looked at the clock and got excited cause it had been 6 hours since I last went to the bathroom last! Hurried downstairs and took a test while everyone else was asleep! I can't remember the exact moment it came out positive I just remember being super excited!! It finally made sense why I had been so moody, tired, and needed to pee a lot for the last week!

So I hurried texted 2 of my friends to let them know the good news! Also I needed to hurry and figure out how I was going to tell Dustin that I'm pregnant! So I thought of something dorky! I wrote on my belly "Hi Daddy"! I went upstairs and asked Dustin if he wants to go to the track! After I told him I was stretching and he pulled my shirt and notices something on my stomach and lifted up shirt and saw what was on my belly and got all excited! After I told Dustin I called my Doctor to set up my first prenatal appointment! I scheduled it for July 2, 2012 at 3:30pm!

We were so thrilled! But now the hard part was keeping the secret from our family, at least until Hunter's birthday party which was June 16! Our plan was to get family pictures done at the Salt Flats and having the boys hold a sign with the number they came into the family! Hunter 1 and Bentley 2 and then I would hold 3 meaning that I was pregnant with #3! And we also did picture switch the boys hold a sign with the year they became a brother! That one ended up turning out better to that is what I had printed out!

Unfortunately I can never keep a secret from my mom, so the day I found out I was pregnant I ended up telling her the good news! She was way excited and told me she knew it wasn't going to us very take long to get pregnant again!

The following weekend she did come out and got to our place! And we had a nice also had a nice visit with her and my brother! Plus she took us out to lunch at one of the hotel restaurants here in Wendover!

Once the weekend of Hunter's birthday party finally came, I was so excited! Now I can finally let everyone know! When everyone was finally here we gave all the grandparents the picture! They didn't seem to catch on what the years meant. So we told them that we are pregnant with baby #3! They were so thrilled and excited! Then right after I posted it on Facebook!

Hunter's party was kind of crazy but had a really good turn out! Some people that we thought weren't going to make it ended up being able to come! After the party I had a bad feeling that I should have waited a little bit long to let everyone know about the pregnancy! But I just brushed it off and not thought anymore about it! Well until Sunday!